"I Thought I Raised You Better Than That!": 5 Ways to Let Go of Our Political Differences in Favor of Relationship

My family, not unlike families across these United States, are involved in skirmishes in the Red & Blue War of the most recent Presidential election. I must admit, I am experiencing battle fatigue. Five years ago I wrote a piece in an attempt to encourage unity and not division as a result of our political climate at the time. Today the divisions are deeper and the rhetoric more toxic than before. And today the divisions are more personal for me as they are deep within my own family.

We are a family of four people - two Democrats, one Republican, and one Independent. This would have made for an interesting Thanksgiving dinner - had we spent it together. Sadly, we did not. But the divide doesn't end with our immediate family; it spans to the generation of my elders. My father, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all at odds. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest when I engage in conversation, seemingly innocent, that without warning turns to politics. It's not just that I hate confrontation that I feel so apprehensive when engaging in this battle with family; it's that I value the relationship and don't want to jeopardize it. These relationships seem more fragile than I first realized.

Whether you've found that your children voted for someone on the other side of the aisle or you and your father can't see eye to eye on the President, the ruling party, or the role of the media, I encourage you to look for ways to let go of your political differences in favor of relationship. You can let go of the differences without letting go of your own opinions and ideologies.

1. Remember that blood is thicker than water (or political parties). Just as the pundits continue to spout that some politicians are putting party over country, it's crucial that we do not put party over family. Your heart should rule, not your politics. The word of the day is "love" and should always be the center from which our words come.
2. Always assume the best. Your son or daughter (or father or sister) do not hold their opinions in order to hurt you. If you're going to presuppose, at least presuppose good intentions and not bad ones.
"When we encounter someone who sees an issue differently than we do, the human response is to assume the person is foolish, ignorant, or perhaps even just mean. According to Ignatius, when we encounter someone we disagree with, what Christ would have us do is to check our emotions, and “presuppose” good intentions on the part of the other" (Hogan, 2012)
3. Adults have the right to their own opinions (even if you think they're wrong! ;)) One of the perks of adulthood is the right to your own opinion. When we dismiss another's opinion as wrong or stupid, we dismiss their status as a grown up. Respect one another's opinions. You don't have to agree with someone to show them respect.
4. Take the high road. Model best behavior. Stop waiting for Congress to display bipartisanship and exercise it within your own familial congress. The most basic definition of "congress" is the action of coming together (thank goodness for my Latin education!). Don't wait for others to move toward you - move toward them! Our children, even our grown children, learn how to engage with others who think differently than they do from watching us. What are you teaching them today?
5. Don't confuse a difference of opinion with sin. Holding a different opinion, belonging to a different political party, or voting for a candidate are not sins. Don't confuse "ideology" (a system of ideas and ideals) and "theology" (the study of the nature of God and religious belief). Both exist; sometimes they intersect or overlap; sometimes they don't. If you respond to your son or daughter's different ideology as sin, you create the division.

Letting go of our political differences is not defeat or retreat. It is not weakness. It is not wrong. It is love. And it is life-giving. How? Let's be reminded of the definition of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 NIV).

When your thoughts (or words) turn to "You voted for _________! I thought I raised you better than that" just remember, they are acting out of how you raised them. Did you raise discerning and thinking kids who grew up to be discerning and thinking adults? Good for you! Just don't expect the conclusions their discernment leads them to will always be the same conclusions you've come to.

Love well my friends!

Vicki

Teaching through Tragedy: London

I've written about this several times in the past, yet it's quite difficult to avoid writing about it yet again today. I'm in London teaching as a visiting professor in my college's Study Abroad program for the month of June. During day 3 of our trip the unthinkable happened - a terrorist attack in the area of London Bridge that left 7 dead and more than 20 critically injured. Within minutes family and friends in the United States reached out to me to ensure that I was okay and safe. I was, and am. But my attention was not on myself, but on my students for whom I am responsible these thousands of miles away from home.

Thank goodness for technology as we use an app to keep in touch. My phone came alive with messages from my students asking if I was okay? They were checking on me. This turn of events made me consider my role as their teacher here so far from home. They are adults as college students, so this event was not the same as when I hurried my flock of sixth graders back into the school once we realized the space shuttle had exploded over head when I was teaching in Florida. This was not like when I was getting our son ready for school when 9/11 threatened us through the horrific images on the television in Colorado and while we heard the fighter jets patrolling the skies above us in this military laden area.

This was different - yet the same.

Not because we weren't in the United States. Not because we weren't the ones attacked. But because our students felt secure enough to worry about someone else beside themselves. They didn't need me to assure them. They didn't need me to make it all better. They needed to know that I was safe and that they were capable of taking care of themselves.

They were. They are.

We will talk about this in class tomorrow. We will make sure that we all have an opportunity to process what has happened and how they're feeling. Just as I've done more times than I want to count in the past as a teacher. Teachers are on the front lines to the events of the world. Often we are the ones to protect, inform, and counsel our students through tragedy. It's not an explicit part of the job description; nor do we receive training to play this role. Yet we are there when it counts and wouldn't have it any other way.

For the former teachers and parents of the beautiful young adults I teach now, thank you for preparing them to be incredibly responsible, kind, and compassionate people. They will make great teachers someday themselves.

They already know how to teach through tragedy.
God Bless.

Do Plaids and Stripes Go Together?

An early assertion of independence comes when our kids want to pick out for themselves what to wear for the day. Since I only had boys, you would think that wouldn't be such a big deal. Compound it with the fact that our oldest is color blind and now you're taking a risk that mismatch will be the fashion of the day.

I have found that boys don't have as many varied clothing choices in their closet or drawers as girls do. There are more chances for things to go awry when young girls pick out their own clothes than boys. I've met many a mom who just aren't willing to take that chance and retain the clothing choice authority for as long as possible - sometimes to the extreme.

Years ago when I was teaching middle school, I had one young lady whose parents forced her to wear a uniform to school even though the school didn't require uniforms. Their control over what she wore was tighter than airport security (maybe that's not saying much though). Becky always had a change of clothes stashed in her locker at school. She changed right before first period. Unfortunately what she changed into wasn't always appropriate. I believe Becky was exercising her right of clothing choice in a desperate way. Maybe this is why her parents made her wear a uniform in the first place. They didn't trust her choices.

It's important that we give our children choices while they're still with us so that we can let them make mistakes when the stakes aren't so high. Teach them what's appropriate and what's not, but allow them to learn what that looks like for themselves.

When they're three or four or five, if you let them pick out their own clothes, the worst that could happen is they mix plaids with stripes or want to wear the same princess shirt every day. In our son's case, he wore purple and blue because they both looked black to him.

Look for ways to let go of your control over what your kids wear early and often. Even if their choice is appropriate it may not always match. And that's okay.

What People are Saying about The Joy of Letting Go

Pre-Order today wherever books are sold and treasured!

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"Our hearts are always connected to our children, whether they are four or forty. In these fifty-two devotions, Vicki Caruana beautifully shows us that cutting the apron strings doesn't mean cutting the heart strings. This journey of letting go can be life-giving - for you and for your children."
Jill Savage, founder of Hearts at Home
     and author of No More Perfect Marriages






"Vicki lovingly mixes her sense of humor, wisdom, and insights together in such a way that I know my friends will love this devotional as much as I do. Even though my own children are forty, thirty-eight, and thirty-seven, and I have a grandson in the Air Force, the challenge to find joy in the letting go remains. This devotional helps moms of all ages do just that. I'll be picking up multiple copies as gifts."
Francine Rivers, author of Redeeming Love





"Part memoir, part inspiration, and thoroughly generous and kind. Vicki Caruana's friendly hand and spiritual touch will help parents who are reluctant to wave goodbye when much-loved children take wing."
Rachel Simon, New York Times bestselling author of The Story of Beautiful Girl
     and Riding the Bus with My Sister

"As a former educator and academic advisor, I wish I'd had this book to recommend to the parents of my high school seniors. It is much more than an empty-nest book - it is fifty-two counseling sessions to coach parents through the emotional and tangible challenges of launching their children. Bless your friends and family with this book - and then get one for yourself. It will be a dear companion as your child gets ready to head out on his or her own." 

Janet Holm McHenry, author of twenty books 

      and college coach at SeniorYear101.com

"We raise our children so that they will be ready to leave us when the time comes. But when the time comes, it's not as easy as it sounds. In these short, pithy gems of wisdom, Vicki Caruana offers guidance and advice drawn from her experiences as both a mother and an educator. Priceless."

Jennifer Kennedy Dean, executive director of  The Praying Life Foundation and numerous books and Bible studies

"Winsome stories coupled with experience and tried, tested, and proven perspective in the parenting marathon of life. Here you'll discover hard-won insights with just the right amount of humor as you make your way through its pages."
Julie Patrick-Barnhill, international speaker and author
     of She's Gonna Blow!






"Vicki Caruana is a master educator, skilled author, and wise mother, and she shares these gifts with us, showing us how to masterfully, skillfully, and wisely let our teens go. Her words paint pictures that linger, instruct, inspire, and illustrate how, and more imnportan, why, to love our kids with a tender release. Practical and poignant. A must-read for moms."
Lindsey O'Connor, journalist, radio producer, and author
     of The Long Awakening: A Memoir

"Wisdom and grace are beautifully woven together in the pages of Vicki Caruana's book The Joy of Letting Go. Emptying the nest is a season, not an event, and Vicki offers powerful insight on how to walk through it without clipping our young birds' wings, even as she validates the angst moms feel. The book is designed in fifty-two short chapters, perfect for bite-sized daily readings - but I read the book in two sittings during a particularly trying week in my own letting go process. I came away much more peaceful, standing in my decision to allow them to increase even as my role decreases."

Paula Moldenhauer, author of the

     Soul Scents devotional series

Let it Be: Letting Go for Lent

Tradition is important to me - spiritual and otherwise. I don't follow tradition as the rule of law; I follow it because it helps me to stay focused on what matters most. It's personal; not parochial.

I received ashes on my forehead today as I do every year on Ash Wednesday. It's usually not convenient to go to church during the week during the work day to follow this tradition. And it's so easy to just not do. But I find a way every year to do so.

Today I sit here 2000 miles away from my grown children and I wonder if they will receive ashes on their foreheads today. I know most likely that they won't. But I find myself wishing they would.

I sit on my hands willing myself not to text or message them on Facebook to see if they might. I want them to want to. I want them to cherish the same traditions I cherish - the same traditions I raised them in. And yet, I know, at this point, I need to let go of this desire.

Instead of sitting on my hands or using my hands to hold onto this tradition for my kids, I can let go and use these hands for better work.

I will put these hands together in prayer.
I will use these hands to work for and with others.
I will keep these hands open and ready to receive what God has for me.

Over the next 40 days I will practice the life-giving work of letting go. Would you like to join me?

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Ditching the To-Do List

I’m addicted to lists. There, I’ve said it. And not just lists for myself, but for my husband (the honey-do list), as well as lists for my children so that we may all have a well-ordered life together. We make grocery lists every Sunday. I have a birthday list/calendar hanging in my office, a home improvement list, and a back-to-school list for that ever growing list of must-have’s to be successful in school (or so is promised). I revel in checking things off of lists. I feel accomplished, productive, and even a little proud of myself.

            Then there’s the list of hopes, dreams and expectations for our children. This list ended up causing more harm than good during high school for our boys. It’s not their fault; the fault is all mine. After all, I’m the one who made the list and I realize now that I never even consulted them on what should be on that list. Silly mommy.

            Number one on the list – go to college! I believe that the best and most effective way to make your dreams come true is to start with the end in mind and then work backwards. With a destination set, then you create your map (use Google maps when necessary) and follow the directions. I noticed that once our boys were midway through high school, they each had a different destination in mind than I had originally set as the target. One wanted to go to college, but not the kind of college I thought we were shooting for. The other didn’t want to go to college at all, and I just didn’t know what to do with that. After all, why wouldn’t you want to go to college?

            Both sons, afraid they were going to disappoint their mother, became a little difficult as they tried to figure out how to tell mom they didn’t want what she wanted for them. None of us were enjoying the journey. Who knew I was that scary?

Since the destinations had changed, the ensuing list of steps needed to get there had to change too – but so did the author of the list. I could still help Christopher determine the steps to going to a local university, and I could still help Charles figure out how to become his dream of being a veterinary tech. Help being the operative term here. Guide, yes. Support, even better. Decide, determine, and dictate, well, not anymore.

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Thought Poke

Remember that even though the plans God has for each of us are meant to prosper us and not harm us; to give us hope and a future, it doesn’t mean that the ones we have for our children are just as beneficial. Reconsider the plans you have. They may have to be adjusted.

New Book for Educators!

Success with IEPs - BUY NOW from 

by Vicki Caruana

Table of Contents

Introduction

You survey your class roster during preservice and notice symbols next to the names of particular children. Your class list looks like an indecipherable code waiting to be broken. Maybe you learned some code-breaking techniques during teacher preparation; maybe you have a natural affinity as a cipher; maybe you only learned enough to know there is meaning in the code but not the meaning itself. Either way, you are responsible for ensuring a meaningful education for all of the students in your charge, whether or not they have a symbol next to their name.

At the intersection of No Child Left Behind and Individuals with Disabilities Education Improvement Act (IDEIA 2004) lies the instructional responsibility of the general education teacher to provide meaningful access to the general curriculum for students with disabilities in their classrooms (McNulty & Gloeckler, 2011). For more than a decade, the implementation of higher state standards for both teacher preparation and curriculum for preK–12 students has defined for us all the responsibility we hold for all children. Students with disabilities are expected to (1) be educated as much as possible alongside their peers without disabilities and (2) access the general education curriculum with appropriate supports (IDEIA, 2004). Because the most common placement for students with mild, high-incidence disabilities is the general education classroom, the teachers in this inclusive setting need to be prepared to be responsible for providing that access to the general curriculum.

During teacher preparation you may have taken an introduction to special education, inclusive education, or response to intervention (RtI) course that outlined the characteristics and needs of students with disabilities and ways in which you might differentiate your planning, instruction, and assessment for these students. You may have even been required to take and pass a certification exam in the area of special education in order to obtain a dual teaching license. You may have had neither of these experiences if you took an alternative route to teacher certification. Whatever preparation you have, you still may feel ill-equipped to ensure that you meet the needs of students with individualized education plan (IEPs) in your classroom (Samuels, 2013). This book outlines five things teachers who have success with IEPs do differently and practical insights, tips, and strategies for how you can achieve this same success with your IEPs.

Confidence is built on the foundation of competence. If you are uncertain of your ability to meet the needs of students on IEPs, this book is a great place to start. Once your competence increases, your confidence will increase. The principles and strategies in this book offer you a chance to fine-tune your practice as well as clarify some of the foggy ideas you may have about ensuring success for students with disabilities in your charge. Let's get started!

Copyright © 2017 by ASCD. All rights reserved. No part of this publication—including the drawings, graphs, illustrations, or chapters, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles—may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission from ASCD.

Move-in Day

It's move-in weekend here at the college where I teach. We're getting ready for hoards of families showing up in planes, trains, and automobiles. For many of our students, this is their first time away from home; many have never traveled beyond their neighborhoods. Everyone's a little nervous. There will be tears. Not unlike the day you let go of your child's hand on that first day of kindergarten, you worry about if they will be okay. Will they make friends? Will they eat well? Will they do well? We won't wonder if they will sleep at nap time because, duh, they're at college where sleep is both elusive and highly overrated.

We have some pretty sweet digs at my college for student housing. I know the students here will rest comfortably in their WiFi enabled, highly secure, spic and span clean (due to 3 times a week maid service) with black-out blinds dorm rooms or suites. The food here is incredible! And the views - to die for. What these freshmen don't realize is that these will be the best days of their lives. Once they graduate they won't be able to afford such a pristine accommodations on their meager starting salaries.

I wonder if they'll appreciate all their parents did to help them get here.
I wonder if they'll cherish the privilege (not a right) of a college education.
I wonder if they'll make the most of the lessons they learn, the chances they take, and the people they meet here.

Okay, and yes, their parents are also wondering.

They wonder if they'll find a job when they graduate.
They wonder how large their debt will be when they graduate.
And they wonder, is it worth it?

But I promise you - parents aren't wondering those things today - move in day. They're wondering as they unload that last box and then drive away without their precious cargo - when will I see my baby again?

Hopefully you won't have to wait until Christmas break. But if you do, remember they're only a text away! ;)

Parents: Get Organized for a Great School Year!

             I suspect that you have already attended or are about to attend a school orientation for your child for this year. Kindergarten, middle school, and high school entry grades all require an orientation at least one week before the official start of school. Your expectations for such an event may include seeing where your child will be spending their days away from you, meeting their teacher(s), seeing the cafeteria, the gym, and lockers if they’re going into middle or high school. You will get more than you expected.

            Each teacher may give you a collection of papers that they want you to review and keep and refer to during the school year. This often includes a syllabus, a list of school supplies, their teaching philosophy, their discipline policy, their grading policy, and other assorted pieces of information they’ve deemed critical to a great school year with your child. What will you do with all this paperwork?

            Even though much of our communication is electronic, papers are still a big part of school. Your child will continue to bring home announcements, permission slips, newsletters, requests for money, project outlines and more. There will be programs from events, awards, receipts from buying their yearbook, their schedule, discipline notices, conference forms, and more to maintain. It is your job to maintain these piles in a way that they can be easily retrieved when needed.

Since my children began school, I maintained a three-ring binder for this very purpose. I had dividers that separated each child’s papers. At the end of each school year I transfer all these papers into a manila envelope and label it by school year and child. I reuse the binder every year. Everything goes in there. Every form, every note, every receipt is three-hole punched and placed in the binder. It is located in a central location so that anyone in our house can find it if need be. This way when my son orders his yearbook in October, brings home the receipt (which he will need in May to prove he purchased it), we three-hole punch it, put in the binder behind his tab and forget about it. In May when he says, “Mom I need my receipt so I can pick up my yearbook” we just open the binder and grab it.

You can expand the use of this precious binder by putting in plastic sleeves to store bulky or odd sized materials. Awards, varsity letters, medals, CD’s, or other media fit nicely this way. The idea is to keep everything in one place and where you can find it. Just place things in the moment you receive them and you will notice that the most recent is the first page. It will naturally be organized in chronological order. This method has saved us so many times. I strongly suggest that you make a copy of anything your child brings home that you have to sign and return. This way you have a record that you did indeed sign and return it. As you know, things somehow get lost between home and school.

Once in the binder you can refer to these papers at your leisure. Make sure you’ve signed and returned anything that is time sensitive; your children are on the hook for it if you don’t. They can’t control your sense of organization; don’t make them have to suffer the consequences of your disorganization. It makes them feel “less than” and “left out” if they are one of the ones whose parents didn’t return a permission slip or other required paper. Getting and staying organized will make for a smoother year for you and your child this school year. Try out the binder system this year. Let me know how it goes!

Just in Case

Our eldest son and his wife of barely 2 years just returned from a one week Caribbean cruise. They'd invited us to join them but we were unable to go. Wasn't that kind of them to invite us? Her parents did go with them and I will admit to be a smidge jealous.

Before they embarked on this adventure my son gave me their itinerary and the name of their ship - just in case. We're "just in case" kind of people. Always let family know when and where you're traveling so that we know where you are in case of an emergency. Christopher is great at letting us know these things. And guess what? Now I can follow along virtually. Cruise lines post their itineraries online and  provide a live satellite location.

This was all fine and good until Hurricane Earl decided to make landfall on Belize on the day our son's ship was to make port there! I only found out about this because of a news posting on Facebook. Thank goodness for Facebook!

With my son out of communications range, I couldn't call or text to find out what was going on. Except for getting the Norovirus on a cruise, this is the worst thing that could happen. Heart palpitations ensued.

I scoured the internet for news of their ship's plight. Within two clicks I discovered that as a result of Earl, the ship had been rerouted to another location out of harm's way. What a relief!

But then I checked the live satellite and it showed the ship in Belize! So which was right? The cruise line's announcement that they were going to Nassau and Freeport instead or the satellite feed which showed the ship already in Belize?

It turns out that they did indeed go to Nassau and Freeport. So what's up with a supposed live satellite feed that showed them somewhere else? I guess it wasn't trustworthy.

When my son arrived back in Miami he texted me to let me know they were back in the U.S. He confirmed that they did not make it to Belize and were rerouted. My mother's heart beat a little slower with this news.

You don't stop worrying about your children even when they're grown, married, and cruising with the in-laws.

We may be 2000 miles away, but staying in touch - just in case - is always recommended and greatly appreciated.

Homesick

We filled both cars to the brim with belongings and hoped that it would all fit in the new accommodations. After all, student housing isn't known for its storage capability - or its ambiance for that matter. We didn't hit Target on the way to get any dorm decor; we just shuffled the boxes and bags into the room with two twin beds and desks. At least there were two closets in the room.

We rearranged the furniture for more efficient placement - not a surprise since my husband, Chip, is a space planner. After everything was put away we stood back and surveyed the space. Not quite homey, but not as sterile as I thought it would be. Moving into campus housing isn't like being at home. Especially since we are the ones now living in the dorms, not our children!

You see, we're in between homes right now. We had to be out of our last house, but our next house is not ready yet. For a moment we were homeless, but the college where I work was generous enough to allow us to live on campus for a couple of weeks. I'm grateful for their generosity, although the fluorescent overhead lighting leaves something to be desired.

They say that home is where your heart is. Hmm. Then my home must be in Colorado, 2000 miles away - because that's where our children are. They are my heart.

I want to be excited about moving into our new house - and hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later. This is the first house we will live in that wasn't chosen with children in mind. I didn't have to consider the school district, the size of the yard , or the number of bedrooms or bathrooms. Buying a home as an empty nester is different than when you have a full nest.

Moving is also different when you're an empty nester - we no longer had free labor for the heavy lifting. We had to hire two strong guys to help us load the truck - I used to have two strong guys living with or nearby. So basically you're a lot more sore and exhausted moving as an empty nester than before. It's harder when you have to do all the work yourself!

But some of the differences are positive. Like only having to move half of the belongings we once had (since there are half the number of people). It's also nice not to have a time frame that we have to work around (e.g., the start of school, etc.). And we can be more flexible. So if we have to move into a dorm for two weeks, then we can.

My nest may be empty, but that too is temporary. We bought a big enough house so that there is room for our children to come visit comfortably. And I can't wait to hear the pitter patter (more like stomp stomp) of their feet on the hardwood floors of our new home.

When Forgiveness is Your Best Option

They showed up at my house . . . two high school students, heads hung low, contrite, with a check in their hands. Kids are stupid. The bible tells us to root out the foolishness of the child, and we try, but it's proverbial wisdom and there are no guarantees.

We awoke to a loud knocking at our front door at 3:00 a.m on a Saturday morning. The officer explained that some kids were going around neighborhoods vandalizing, and that we were the victims of one such attack. They had ripped our neighbor's mailbox off its post and threw it through our son's back windshield, shattering it to pieces. The officer said they were in pursuit.

A week later we finally heard that the "kids" had been arrested and wanted to come see us and make restitution in the hopes that we wouldn't press charges.

I can't tell you how violated I felt that someone would cross into our lives and cause such destruction, all because they were drunk and foolish. I felt like I was just holding my breath waiting to hear if this was indeed a random act or something more. I'm relieved that it was random, but I was angry at their foolishness.

We had two teenage boys the same age as these vandals. Could my kids be that stupid too? Could they look like nice, normal, "good" kids on the outside, and then do something mean, illegal, and bad the next moment?

I've learned that we are all just one step away from making a stupid decision that could ruin everything. No one is "good enough" never to fall. Myself included.

I really wanted to press charges. I wanted them to be punished. I wanted retribution. I wanted certainty that they were really sorry. Somehow I thought it would make me feel safer knowing they were punished. But what if this is the thing that turns them around, for better or for worse? It was a first time offense. After my husband talked me down off the ledge, I chose to forgive them.

It turns out that I wasn't even home when they came over to apologize and pay us for the windshield. As a high school teacher I just wanted to shake them and tell them to wake up to the rest of their lives. But I didn't get the chance. Maybe that was the way it should be.

It was just a windshield - a thing. No life was lost. No one got hurt. I know that isn't always true. Drunk drivers kill every day. Life is snatched. Forgiveness, although precious, isn't always easy to find.

Sometimes forgiveness is your best option, even if it's not your only one.

Go and do likewise. . .(Luke 10:37)

Footprints - Like a Trail of Breadcrumbs

"I can always tell where you've been." My mother would always tell me. You see, I somehow always left a trail. My shoes would be by the front door, my book still on the couch, and my coffee cup still on the kitchen table. Like crime scene evidence, you could trace my steps and lead you right to me! Unless you're hiding, I don't think this is such a bad thing.

Our youngest son came to visit this past week. We currently live in a tiny lakeside cottage in New York. Tiny. I mean, tiny. I'm usually fastidious about picking up after myself in this small space. If Chip leaves his shoes in the living room, I start to feel claustrophobic. So you can imagine what happened when our now grown son started leaving his shoes, his sunglasses, his wallet, his remnants of late night snacks, and laundry out of place and in plain sight.

You'd think I would have been on the verge of a panic attack. You'd think I would pick up after him for my own sense of well-being. You'd think it would have bothered me.

But it didn't.

In fact, as you can see, I took a couple of photos of his "trail." For posterity. After all, how often will I be able to see his stuff lying around anymore? He's 25 and lives 2000 miles away. Someday he'll marry and when he visits, it won't be just him. "Their" stuff will be lying around. That bothers me. Just his stuff - doesn't bother me one bit.

The day he flew home to Colorado I checked every nook and cranny of our tiny cottage actually hoping to find that he'd left something behind - some evidence of his being there. I'd taught him well - too well. He hadn't forgotten a thing.

But then I saw it! His unmade bed! Who knew I could get such a warm, fuzzy feeling from an unmade bed? Chip came up and began to strip the bed. And I started to cry.

"Wait. Please don't do that," I pleaded.

My oh so efficient husband was puzzled at this request. After all, he had laundry to do.

"Once you do that, then he's really gone!" I cried. The amount of tears caught us both by surprise. Letting go is so much harder than I'd thought.

After we did eventually strip the bed and washed the sheets, I sat on the naked mattresses and held the comforter to my nose, breathing in the last of my son's scent. It may sound weird, but to me it was my link to him now 2000 miles away - again. I know where he's been. He was home.

Just because we've let go of our sons to live a life of their choosing doesn't mean we're still not connected. Those heart strings are stronger than steel - unbreakable.

Family: Milestones

I wrote the entry below 9 years ago! Can you believe it? 9 years ago! And now, in 9 months I welcome into my family a new baby - my book about the Joy of Letting Go of our kids - one day at a time. Watch this space for more updates over the next 9 months. But for right now, I'm just basking in the glow of being new (book) pregnant.

I am SO relieved! Our oldest son, Christopher, just finished a 5.5 hour drive to his aunt and uncle's house in Tallahasse, our state's capitol - BY HIMSELF! He's a good driver, and he's driven it before following one of us in his own car, but today, he left the house for the weekend on his own. As most of you with teenage drivers know, this is a frightening prospect, but it is a milestone and one that I'm glad we've reached. After all, driving from Seminole to Tallahassee, almost 300 miles, by yourself is something to be proud of.

He stopped and called me every 1.5 hours to check in, and it helped ease my anxious heart.

He's about to turn 18, and the milestones are coming fast and furious, just like they did when he was an infant, baby, and toddler.


We've taught him so much. . . but have we taught him enough?

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson!

It's Teacher Appreciation week and I encourage you to take some time to appreciate the teachers you had THEN and NOW.

As I searched images to show you something that depicted the power of a teacher as a role model, I realized I already had one that was perfect from my own personal images. 1969, first grade, me and Mrs. Robinson!

That was the year I decided I wanted to be a teacher too.

What was it about Mrs. Robinson that caused me to look up to her in such awe? I was happy. Can you tell? But what I remember and what this picture shows is that SHE saw ME! I wasn't just one more student in her class. I wasn't a head to be filled with knowledge. When she looked at me, I knew she really saw me.

Being known and loved anyway - precious.

As teachers we are role models. But it's the power in our ability to build authentic relationships with our students that makes the difference. Six year old, little redheaded girls, don't look up to statuesque, confident teachers because of their hairdo's or because of their smarts. We're in awe of their heart-warming ability to see through the failed math test, the not so perfect handwriting, and the stumbling over three syllable words during reading and into the people we are.

So, here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. You loved me more than I will ever know. Thank you for being the model I follow!

Need ideas for great gifts for teachers? Check here.

Teachers: "If it's Free, it's For Me!"

Teachers in Hernando County, Florida look giddy as they shop for free classroom supplies at Tools 4 Schools, an initiative by the Hernando County Education Foundation on the site of Springstead High School.

The article in the Tampa Bay Times and written by Dan DeWitt asks an important question, "Why do teachers need free supplies when the school provides $250 per year to supply their classrooms?"

And schools send out lengthy school supply lists to families at the beginning of every school year.

And stores like Target and Walmart and Staples have school supply donation bins.

And . . . well, you get the point.

Teachers never want their students, their kids, to go without. That $250 per year budget only goes so far. Used to order supplies from the district warehouse via a catalog is like buying your groceries from a dollar store when you really would rather buy them from Wegman's or Publix.

Is it because teachers have champagne taste and beer pockets? Shouldn't they learn to live within their means?

You know you need to build a classroom library full of a variety of reading choices on different levels for your classroom, but the only way to do that is to use the free "book" that comes in a happy meal.

You need to give the kids a chance to create posters about their favorite endangered species, but the only supplies available through the warehouse is yellow, orange, and black poster paint and newsprint. Where does all that newsprint come from??

You need to print student work on demand in your classroom, so you buy your own printer, but have to use the other side of already used paper to publish your student's creations.

It's not as if teachers need supplies like a 3D printer, although MakerBot is making it harder and harder not to believe we need this in our classrooms. For the new teachers I prepare at Mount Saint Mary College, their dream gift is a personal laminating machine. True story!

Teachers spend money out of their own pockets to supplement their classrooms, much to the dismay of their significant others and accountants (who I am kidding, teachers can't afford accountants!). Although it's wonderful that Hernando County Education Foundation is trying to fill in some of the gaps, and it's great that Scholastic offers teachers' wish lists for their classroom libraries during the annual book fair, and it's fabulous that teachers can write grants from organizations like HP and NASA to get some incredible technology. And it's more than admirable that teachers donate to their own classrooms out of their own meager salaries and that parents through the PTO/PTA raise money to fill in more gaps. The filling of these gaps is like filling pot holes on our well traveled roads. They are only temporary, use cheap materials, and have to be filled again the very next year.

I just wish they didn't have to. I wish that as a country we truly valued education enough to put our money where our mouth is - and pave the roads our children travel with quality materials that last a lifetime.

The HEART and Craft of Teaching

Gustave Baumann, 

My newest book released today - The Teacher's Bible - and as a teacher educator I strive to prepare more than the minds of new teachers, but their hearts as well. Teaching has been described as being part art and part craft. I believe it is about HEART and craft. I can teach you all the technical aspects of how to teach children, but if your heart isn't in it, then you won't make a difference. The hand (our behaviors, our actions) follow the direction of our heart. For better and for worse. 

You can trace back to what a person believes to be true based on their actions. I wrote 30 devotions encouraging teachers to allow their faith to lead their actions as a part of a bible formatted specifically for teachers. If you already rely on your faith to direct your steps, this is confirmation for you. If you don't, these devotions can encourage you to allow your heart to lead. 

Education is all about relationship. Nurture those relationships with your faith and they will be strong.

I invite you to share this bible with teachers you know - whether they are veterans, beginning teachers, or newly minted college graduates. The heart matters. Let the teachers in your life know you believe that too.

Vicki

Being an IEP Advocate, Not an Adversary

I had the opportunity  to talk about how to advocate for the needs of our children with disabilities in a podcast on the Need Project. How can we partner for the sake of our children?

The Balancing Act of Lent

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday! Many spent the day celebrating - celebrating life in an indulgent sort of way. A last hurrah before the sobering Lenten season that begins today on Ash Wednesday.

We value frivolity and mirth making. There's nothing wrong with a great party, but I wonder if we avoid and even sacrifice contemplation and self-reflection as a result. You won't see much coverage of Ash Wednesday or Lent on popular media. But without them there'd be no reason for Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras.

As an educator I feel the tug of spring in the air at my school, especially after such a mild winter this year. Students are having trouble focusing on what they need to do in favor of succumbing to the promises of spring break. They will carouse and carry on for a week before returning to complete the heaviest load of their school year.


We always appreciate more what we have when we lose it. A well deserved break doesn't mean anything without the pressures of work. Balance is only achieved when opposites exist together. We can welcome both in our lives and experience both fully and intentionally. So the students can enjoy their spring break and then come back to focus on their studies; you can party until dawn on Fat Tuesday and then get ashes on your forehead and focus on the next six weeks of Lent.

Both are important for a well balanced life and spirit. King Solomon said it best - "A time for weeping and a time for laughing; a time for sorrow and a time for dancing" (Ecclesiastes 3:4). You can't have one without the other.

Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster: Where Was I?

On the 30th anniversary of the space shuttle Challenger disaster, I remember exactly where I was on that day in 1986. I was a first year teacher and chronicled that day in my book Apples & Chalkdust.

Hundreds of squinting eyes focused upward on a cloudless Florida morning. Teachers gathered and waited along with their students for the show to begin. It's always great to bring the classroom outdoors. It adds a real-life quality to the lesson.

Finally, waving hands began to point toward the eastern sky. Applause and cheers built to a roaring crescendo. It was a proud day for teachers and students alike.

"Go, Christa, go!" they cheered.

The space shuttle, disappearing into the atmosphere, suddenly exploded, and its expanding cloud of debris streamed to the waiting ground below. The applause turned to questioning gasps and disbelieving screams. Teachers hurried their students back into their classrooms like mother hens gathering their chicks. The questions were many. The answers were nowhere to be found. Although crisis teams descended on every school, children continued to look to their trusted teachers for stability and comfort. Teachers became mothers, sisters, friends, and counselors.

Doing what they do best - they taught.

They re-established routine, and they prayed.

Whether it's war, scandal, or tragedy, you cannot shut the world out of your classroom. Every once in a while, the world's classroom crashes into your own. Handled well, even tragedy can teach the most valuable lessons.

Teaching to the situation allows the situation to teach to you.